A Big Realization

Recently I've found myself faced with this question: Am I loving Jesus, or am I more focused on how I'm growing, changing, "maturing in my faith," etc?

If you're anything like me, you may look at that question and say, Are those things different? 

That's where I've been, and I think I've been there my whole life: not really distinguishing those two things -- those two ideas were relatively equal.

If I feel I've grown spiritually from last year to this year, doesn't that mean I love Jesus better? If I know more of my Bible, doesn't that mean I'm loving Jesus more? If I choose this or that, doesn't that mean I treasure Jesus more?

Perhaps.

But, again, if you're anything like me, the second part of the original question -- focus on the growing, changing, maturing -- has stealthily formed itself into a sort of pride. By comparing myself to someone else's spiritual growth as a measure of my own, I'm hardly thinking of Jesus. When I feel guilty over not knowing more of the Bible, or calling it to memory easily when needed, I'm hardly thinking of Jesus. What I make a wise choice, and give myself a pat on the back... or when I make a poor choice, and throw myself into a pit of discouragement, I'm hardly thinking of Jesus.

Wow, right? Yeah, it struck me with a powerful force.

I realized. I confessed. I apologized. I asked for forgiveness. And then I truly saw myself....

A sinner. Broken, hopeless, selfish, prideful. I make choices everyday that offend and hurt God. I don't love well every second of the day. I am not always generous. But God...

But God!

At the cross of Jesus Christ I find a sacrifice sufficient to cover all my sins, past and present and future, and a righteousness sufficient to replace all of my unrighteousness. So when I come to God, I come not in my own righteousness but in the righteousness of Christ; and I come not with my own sins, but with those sins having been forgiven by Jesus Christ. Glory.

It's easy to get caught up in the analyzation of my actions, and I realize my motive for doing this was because I was trying to make my own good. Focusing on my growth/righteousness and not the Lord in His greatness, holiness, mercy, unconditional love.

On my best, most loving, most generous, most God-honoring day, I am still a sinner. That will never change until I'm in eternity with Him. But, because of Jesus, here on this earth I can love Him just as I am. With my handicapped heart, never-going-to-be-perfect self. Hello, freedom. So I continually ask myself, am I loving Jesus in this? Because He saves me, and loves me. I believe it with all of my grateful heart. 

Praying this truth's roots grow deep.

{Inspiring word from Matt Chandler on similar subject.}