A Letter To Myself From 2010.

 

My mom sent me a picture of this piece of paper. After looking at it and weaving through a fog of memories, I do remember being asked before my high school graduation to write a letter to myself. Turns out my high school still has them, and mailed them out to the parents of each student. (Pretty cool, I think)

What I wrote, months before I would graduate from the school I'd been attending for 10 years, before I would leave the comfort of being in a place where everyone knew me, where I had grown so much, was that in five years....

"I plan to be graduated from college." Check. (Actually did it in four, glory to the Lord.)

"I would like to try and compete at the Olympic level." Didn't happen. Foot injury forced me out of collegiate track and field. I'll admit that this one stung my heart some. But, I trust God in His love and sovereignty; He is bigger and so are His plans for me.

"I want to be stronger in my faith and my walk with the Lord than I am today." Check. I have never felt so near to Him, and by His grace I have grown and matured in the things of His Word.

"And God-willing, I want to be on the way to starting a life with the guy God has planned for me." In faith, I say check. I think my relationship with J is in a wonderful place, rich in love and learning and growth. He's the man that will continually direct me to Jesus, who loves me, and he's the man I choose everyday.

"Remember: Some people are to be around always, some are to always make appearances." How did I know that a piece of inspiration like this would be so relevant to this season of my life. How did I know that remembering this, even if the reality is hard, would bring such comfort. It also calls for an element of trusting Jesus - to be my hope and my peace and my everything - during such a time of change and transition.

"My foot is broke and I'm in a cast. How will I react?" Mmm. Who knew that would only be the beginning to such a trying season for me. How did I react? I struggled deeply at first, after my first surgery freshman year, experiencing a slight depression. After that I was still motivated, still ready to fight. I worked hard, only to be stunted with the need for three more surgeries over a span of 3.5 years. After the third one (3 out of 4) I was weary, and went through a weird season of not knowing where my true identity was found. By His grace, the One who unconditionally loves my human soul reminded me that in Him is where it is found. Here I am today, giving myself grace, reminding myself to be patient, rediscovering my love for running, and trusting Him to be that which fills my entire life.

For all [these] things are [taking place] for your sake, so that the more grace (divine favor and spiritual blessing) extends to more and more people and multiplies through the many, the more thanksgiving may increase [and redound] to the glory of God. 2 Corinthians 4:15

 

Senior Portfolio: Check.

This past weekend was the Senior Portfolio Reveal for our graphic design program. The fruit of over 10 months of design work and brainstorming, of super late nights and lots of planning. It's hard to believe the gallery show has come and gone, beginning my last week of undergrad classes.



It was such a special night, I was so amazed. I felt a pleasant pride seeing my work up on the wall and then hearing visitors' positive remarks. I felt so loved by how many friends came to see me, to support me, because they know how big of a deal it was for me. I felt so thankful to the Lord for getting me to the day, strong and confident.



Icing on the cake was my best friend since 2nd grade sending me flowers from Macon! Let's just say my heart was smiling and my tear ducts were active.



A couple of my lovely small group gals came to see and support, along with so many others. They came, they hugged, they told me they were proud of me. And of course, it wouldn't have been the same without John there. The entire night was one I will never forget.

This is the gang! All done and too excited about it.

 

Koozies + Lists

A cool part about being in college and being a designer is some of the resources you get to utilize. We had the chance to order koozies and print our own personal designs on them, via a heat press.



It's a cool process. You print your design on this fancy special paper and tape the koozie to the inked side. The press "cooks" it for about a minute and... happy koozie!



I confess I'm excited to give these puppies out.

Something also characteristic of these past few weeks: lists.

I am the type of human being that claims, "if it isn't written down, it doesn't exist." My brain is having to be stretched in so many different directions, needed all kinds of equal attention.

Behold.. there's an app for that.





This app has helped me in heaps. So if you're anything like me, I encourage you to try it.

My graduating exit show is tomorrow night. I can hardly believe it.

Too Much Talking

I've been personally challenged lately to not talk so much. Being an expressive human being, sometimes I feel as though I lack self control or that I'm impulsive with my words. Not that they are ugly words, but are they necessary words?

Are they good for building up? Do they fit the occasion? Do they give grace to those who hear? (Ephesians 4:29)

Some words that are good for building up are hard to say. Some words that are necessary take some prayerful guidance. Some words that fit an occasion may be simple, or short, or lengthy. My heart here is to say that I don't want to waste words. I don't want to be so expressive that I don't get other the chance to speak or think, or arrive at their own conclusions.

The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom, but the perverse tongue will be cut off. The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable, but the mouth of the wicked, what is perverse. Proverbs 10:31-32

I desire my mouth to bring forth wisdom. Paired with my spirit and my mind, to be conscious and wise: when to speak, when to listen. Not to utter the first thing that comes to mind. Oftentimes wisdom means being silent. Oftentimes wisdom means speaking up. Oftentimes wisdom even means simply wait, be patient.

I pray, set a guard, Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips. Psalm 141:3

I am learning the power and sacredness of words.

I tell you, on the day of judgement people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. Matthew 12:36-37

I confess I think I've been careless with my speech. Not in a way that is hurtful or ugly, but in a way that is robbing me the joy of being quiet, of truly listening, of giving the Holy Spirit a chance to lead.

Her mouth speaks that which fills her heart. Luke 6:45

"A critical heart produces a critical tongue. A self-righteous heart produces a judgmental tongue. A bitter heart produces an acerbic tongue. An ungrateful heart produces a grumbling tongue. But a loving heart produces a gracious tongue. A faithful heart produces a truthful tongue. A peaceful heart produces a reconciling tongue. A trusting heart produces an encouraging tongue." Jon Bloom

Just an observation. Just a reflection. But a prayer for change indeed....

Easter 2014

Started the day with my childhood church family and ended it with my Connection family. 

Day of humbling, of glorifying, of enjoying...

Jesus at the heart of it all.

- ps the picture i got with mom was blurry. boo.

Emotional-Intellectual

I'm an emotional being. Emotional meaning more than just active tear ducts. I feel things deeply. I am passionate, and I am consumed with things. This tenderness, this sensitivity, has been an incredible avenue for experiencing an intimacy with God. It allows me to embrace a closeness to Him I wouldn't trade for anything.

However, I'm not all emotion. I am a perpetual learner, an insatiable seeker. So I read, but find myself agreeing with C.S. Lewis when he said,

"For my own part, I tend to find the doctrinal books often more helpful in devotion than the devotional books."

I sometimes find that my heart sings unbidden (as C.S. Lewis puts it) while I'm working my way through a tough bit of theology with a pen in hand and water to hydrate. Granted, the emotional intimacy I long for and experience with Jesus is a foundation for being able to study and work my way through the things my mind finds new or foreign or difficult. This inspires me to question and to search, knowing that I am whole, secure, and unconditionally loved in Christ.

Then I read a familiar story in a different light, and gleaned something so relevant to these thoughts.

Mary and Martha, the sisters of Bethany, were on opposite ends of the emotional-intellectual spectrum of spirituality. When Jesus comes to raise their brother Lazarus, each sister met him with the same lament: "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." But upon reading this story again, I discover that Jesus doesn't respond to them in the same way.

To Mary, He extends emotional comfort, grieving with her openly (John 11:28-36). He weeps with her. And she is okay with this, an explanation isn't what she seeks.

To Martha, Jesus offers intellectual comfort, through teaching (John 11:20-27). She sort of challenges Jesus, and in response He pushes her to examine the depth, and source, of her faith. Martha was intellectually comforted by His word.

Both head and heart have important contributions to make to the body of Christ. 

"There are different kids of service, but the same Lord." 1 Corinthians 12:5

I'm not exactly sure which one is more me, which one is my default. Probably the emotion. :)

"You Got This."

"I don’t know if running changed my life or if I changed my life for running, but who cares really? My feet keep moving, my arms keep pumping, and my mantra keeps rolling, ‘Be patient. You got this.’" Valerie DiMambro

I've secretly started running again. Why keep a secret? Because it's super slow... but gradual. I'm not bummed it's slow, or where I am, but I wanted to be sure it would stick before I told people and glean small, yet innocent, expectations from them. Within the above quote I have found my new running mantra,

"Be patient. You got this."

This process will be slow for me, but I have to keep in mind that word: process. Process means temporary. So, patience is the key. Patience and a confidence in myself that I can do this.

"Every run is different. You can run the same loop at the same time two days in a row and feel like the queen of the world one day and the scum of the earth the next. It doesn’t say anything about you as a person — except that you’re normal."

Tonight I went out, laced tennis shoes and a chill from the whipping wind, and felt good -- the best I've felt thus far since I started back. It wasn't a long run, but I enjoyed it. Which is the whole point, right?

Preachin' To My Heart

Whenever your heart starts to be anxious about the future, preach to your heart and say, 'Heart, who do you think you are to be afraid of the future and nullify the promise of God? No, heart, I will not exalt myself with anxiety. I will humble myself in peace and joy as I trust this precious and great promise of God -- He cares for me.' (John Piper)

Heart, who do you think you are to be afraid of the future and nullify the promise of God?

This is me. I once had a mentor/coach challenge me that my walk and talk weren't lining up. He didn't mean I was living hypocritically, he meant that I spoke truth and inspiration and wisdom, but hardly listened to it myself. He spoke those words to me my senior year of high school. I'm now in my senior year of college, and am still challenged by the prompt of that question. Do my walk and talk match up? Thankfully, I have matured some ("it is by grace I am what I am," hallelujah), but find myself reflecting on this even still.

I feel like the Holy Spirit catches my attention most with this reminder in areas where I am anxious, or stressed, or weary. Is it those moments I so quickly justify my anxiety, saying things like "I have to worry about this, if I don't things may not come out like I hope they will," or "How I perform, choose, act, etc will determine acceptance, or love, so it needs to be perfect."

But alas, God is bigger. And He cares for me.

When I let "He cares for me" sink in, I find the most beautiful reality. What that statement truly means, something I often forget, is that not only is God in control, not only does He orchestrate every detail, not only is He sovereign over all things, but He does everything with my best good in mind. By way of Jesus and His blood-bought grace, God delights in me! He cares what happens to me, and He wants good for me.

This being true, there is freedom is surrendering my fear, worries, and all that makes me anxious (from the silly things to the mountainous things).

So heart, humble yourself before a Father who cherishes you, and will take care of you, and trust Him. 

roadtrip to Jesup, GA

This past Saturday I ventured out to Jesup with a good friend (her hometown). Her little sister had prom, and we both wanted some time away.

The day turned out great. Lots of picture-taking, story-telling, exploring... then some other friends drove over and we went out for dinner and a drive-in movie.

Quality memories made! With my time in Statesboro coming to a close, it is days like this, doings like this, that I savor and relish in.



 



Thankful for these fun people. Behind the camera is the fabulous gal I went with.

life lately, via iphone

i have developed a major liking for taco salads; fresh stuff // doodling and good conversation, it's a great combination // hair cut, holla! // new high tops now in the closet, makes me feel sassy and different when i wear them // i had my portfolio projects printed finally! crazy feeling, means things are finally coming to a close to this semester // finished a book about the old testament, and got new testament one in the mail today // also got a little spunky with my Flintstones-style necklace // pleasant mornings include time spent in a coffee shop in the Bible

excited about this weekend; besides more work on my dad's website, i have a relatively low key weekend for the first time in awhile (hallelujah)

and i'm going on a road trip with a great friend of mine; traveling to her hometown which means lots of fun stories and many cool new introductions

a continual strife: prayer

A piece of David Brainerd's diary contained the words I wrote in my journal, followed by these,

My soul felt a pleasing yet painful concern, lest I should spend time with God. Oh, may I always live to God! I felt an ardent desire to spend every moment with God. God is unspeakably gracious to me continually. In time past, He has given me inexpressible sweetness in the performance of duty [prayer].... When I really enjoy God, I feel my desires of Him the more insatiable, and my thirstings after holiness the more unquenchable.

I have come to realize that my prayer often is 'just give me Jesus.' In Jesus is everything. In the presence of God is all. I long to be filled with more of God. I've come to find that nothing will do but being continually filled with the divine presence and glory. I want to feel that close union to the Lord. I believe, Jesus, help my unbelief.

Prayer. This is the means of continual union with God. 

Jonathan Edwards, a great man of prayer, said this,

Resolved, to exercise myself in this all my life long, with the greatest openness to declare my ways to God, and to lay my soul open to God--all my sins, temptations, difficulties, sorrows, fears, hopes, desires, and everything and every circumstance.

He claims later that it was his continual strife day and night, and his constant inquiry how he should be more holy.

The heaven I desire is a heaven spent with God; an eternity spent in the presence of divine love, and in holy communion with Christ.

It's all about God.

Prayer in comfort and peace, in solitude, with God... my Company, my Friend, my Comforter. In solitude is the difficult part for me.  Time and space away from the busy haunts of those around me, to venture into a seemingly lonely place, like Jesus often did in the Bible, to meditate and pray and experience the presence of God.

Prayer puts God's work in His hands, and keeps it there. It looks to Him constantly and depends on Him implicitly to further His own cause. Prayer is but faith resting in, acting with, and leaning on and obeying God. Prayer is revealed as a direct application to God for some temporal or spiritual good. It is an appeal to God to intervene in life's affairs for the good of those for whom we pray. God is recognized as the source and fountain of all good, and prayer implies that all His good is held in His keeping for those who call upon Him in truth. (E.M. Bounds, The Weapon of Prayer)

How easy it is to slip away from the closet of prayer! It's easy for me, anyway. Right things, good things are never hindrances until they preoccupy my mind and draw my feelings away from prayer. Things right and good can become wrong when they take the place of prayer in my life. That's how powerful prayer is, and I am convicted that I don't treat it as such so often.

I have been challenged to look at what in my life is hurting my life of prayer.

But I feel the yearning of my soul for that closest, that place of solitude, to experience God. 

why I create

I read someone say this the other day,

"Every artist has some insecurities about what they create. All your validation can't be found in what you do. Find the reason you create." Matt Ayers

How wonderfully brilliant is that?!

It sounds so simple, right? My mind says, "Yes, it does. Especially to someone who loves Jesus, and knows where her true identity will forever and always lie, yes has felt said insecurities many times."

But hear hear, this truth is so utterly profound I may just have to remind myself of it everyday for the rest of my creating days.

Why do I create? When I answer that question, it will be at the core of all I do, and I believe I won't be as insecure. Because as long as I created for that reason, all will be well. Heavens... easier said, than done. Clearly.

Why do I create? Because God gave me an ability to do so in this life. Why else? Because I want to give glory to the creative God who created me. I was made in His image, that's what the Bible says.

Because He is creative, I am creative. 

So what if it's like this: when I create, and have an attitude that gives God glory, all will be well. I can rest. He is smiling, and I am at peace and can enjoy what I do.

It's a beautiful truth. Lord, help me live in it for the rest of my days.

(photo lettering done by me)

Freedom to Rejoice

If our greatest joy doesn't come from God Himself we are idolaters.

God gives joy. When we are His children we are reflecting Him, and He delights in us. God delights in the Jesus in me. If our greatest joy doesn't come from God Himself we are idolaters. Doesn't that make you think about your own desires? It's okay to have joy in this life, I know I do. I am overwhelmed with joy when I'm surrounding by family. But my greatest joy? It should come from God alone. He gives it freely. Everything we need can be found in God. What does that mean to you? Joy and sorrow are connected. I heard it once said, "You don't have to necessarily rejoice in all your trials, but you should rejoice in the fact that God is with you in those trials." I'm reminded so often these days about God's sovereignty, and how everything is purposeful, no matter how hard or difficult. Even in what seems like your darkest moments, you learn. You learn to cry out to God, to humble yourself, to come before him with no pretenses. Beautiful.

Joy is grounded in Jesus. He should be the ultimate Source of all my joy--that way no one has the chance to steal it. Joy is constant, happiness is not. When you strive to find joy in things of this world, it will always come up short. But finding your joy in Christ will last for eternity.

The enemy of joy is the idol of legalism. Legalism is seeking to achieve forgiveness from God, justification before God, and acceptance by God through my own obedience to God. Blessings can become idols if we desire to be blessed more than we desire the Blesser. 

These are also things that have the power to kill joy; If I'm aware of my past sin more than the cross. If I'm aware of my godly practices more than the cross.

I don't think I'm living full joy, unfortunately. There are certain things about my life that I have allow to quench the joy. Stress, worry. But in Jesus is all satisfaction. In Him is all joy and peace. Only in Him
will I always find these things. This past week Meredith Andrews' song "In Your Arms" has been on repeat. Too many lyrics that are like water to my dry and weary soul. In Jesus is richness. Shutting the world out, closing the door, getting in the silence before God... In His arms, where I will always belong.

"If we are unwilling to talk about our weakness, we are unable to show His strength."

Hallelujah it's not about me. Truly. Hallelujah. Thank you, God, for the cross.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

Ephesians 5:22-25

When all you can do is be

 

Beloved, do we believe that the only way to do something acceptable is to do it perfectly?

Beth Moore inquired this of me, in my study of the book of Esther, and it resonated quite loudly. She asks this question as a reflection on Esther 5. Esther has prepared a banquet for King Xerxes and Haman. She enters the inner court of the king's palace, and by God's sovereignty, wins favor in the king's sight. The kicker is that she woke up that morning probably terrified, because what she was planning to do was way illegal, and had the potential to get her killed. But God... He intervened. He gave her favor in the king's sight.

Back to the original question, and thought. Beth makes a point to consider, that Esther did what she needed to do, clearly the will of God, but maybe not as one perfectly collected and confident.  Sometimes God is more aware than we of just how much He requires of us. How comforting is that! God knows me, all of me... and then He loves all of me.

I mean, what would have happened if Esther had waited to go to the king until she felt completely confident in herself, or entirely ready? She may never have gone. Then what.

I confess I have also endured (maybe too strong of a word?) the battle of perfectionism. The idea that my performance, behavior, etc, needs to be the BEST to be accepted, or to be all God desires me to be. What if it's the act of trying, the desire to just be moving in the direction you believe God to be calling you? Beth makes a statement that is rather revolutionary.

Sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and in those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will. God isn't interested in our stellar performance but in our hearts. He loves our willingness and obedience despite our insecurities.

I'm at a point right now where I feel emotionally and mentally spent. In survival mode. Numb. Dulled to everything but just getting things done. Weary.

Thank you, God, for your immeasurable love. Please give me new strength, new energy, new joy. In You I am whole, help me to just continue on, to press on.

"for it is God who works in you both to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." Philippians 2:13

Photo: Rolland Andras Flinta

a cry of a child of God

Do you ever have the desire to just be with God?

To not have to pull back the layers of distractions or responsibilities, but to just be with Him, as if He was sitting right beside you? I feel it so often.I often wish life was not so grand, so my human mind would not be so scattered. I just want to be, with God. To be in his midst, without having to act, decide, think, worry. Without any tug and pull of this world's burdens. Ann Voskamp wrote something that my heart reacts to:

When you know your Father’s loving — what can you fear losing? He hears us. He loves us. He has us. So whatever happens, He’s good and we’re good. I look at him — He’s like a man completely resting on water. Isn’t that it? We pray to the Lord knowing His answer is Love. God is no genie and we don’t pray to God to pry something from God. We pray to God to be prepared by God for a purpose of God. We don’t pray to get more from God — we pray to become more in Christ. We pray because entering His presence is the answer to all our prayers. Somedays just laying our head in His hands is the way we lay the burdens down. The scars on His hands were made to be the perfect ditches for our tears. The Farmer pulls me into him and wraps me in more faith and we stand together watching the sky, how the rain goes north. How it comes down right here like a certain promise: When your prayers look right into the face of Christ — every hopeless end turns into an endless hope.

The simplicity, the vulnerability, the honesty of her words are cleansing water to my soul. Somedays just laying our head in His hands is the way we lay the burdens down. It's not all effort, all the time.

My heart swells at the idea of laying my weary human head in God's hands.

And even though the day has not arrived when I can physically do that, my heart and soul do it continually.

Grace upon grace, hope upon hope... it's all in Jesus. And that's where I want to rest.

Photo

life lately, via iphone

fun graduation photoshoot with a friend // froyo on a Sabbath Sunday // a photo of mine was chosen to be the cover of the Spring issue of GSU's art magazine, an ad promoting it was in the GSU newspaper // i've been working on a magazine for church for awhile now, i'll admit it's been stressful // afternoon date with my roommate, including fancy nail polish // shot behind the scenes footage for a film our creative team is working on for easter