Well... I'm five days ENGAGED.

I could've write because I was living one of the coolest realities of my life thus far. I was proposed last Friday night!

I'm still marveling... still thanking the Lord... still praising Him for the start of such an amazing season of life.

The reality is still steadily sinking in.... the joys, the small fears of the unknown, the excitement, the anticipation.

The date was wonderful, and one of the brightest highlights was that he built a porch swing out in an area own by his family, an area we have gone and will continue to go often. Such a sweet thing, that it will be there, and be our spot, for the rest of our days. A spot to talk about great things, difficult things, a spot to gain some quiet, a spot to pray, a spot to tell stories.

22 Learnings in 22 Years

Inspired by Maggie. She says, "Age is about growth -- physical and otherwise." I turn 22 today and I am quick to reflect on where I am today, and the days I lived to get here. These are 22 things I've come to understand in a deeper sense as I arrive at the beginning of my 22nd year.

1. Give grace to receive grace.


2. It's helpful to focus on the progress, not the perfection.


3. Most of the time, you get out what you put in.


4. I thrive in smaller groups, and grow quiet and observant in large ones.


5. There is wisdom in patient silence.


6. Joy is a choice.


7. Exercise because you enjoy it, not to meet another's expectation.


8. Stillness is an act that takes practice.


9. An active, intimate relationship with Jesus takes discipline.


10. Saying 'no' to good things sometimes makes way for a 'yes' to great things.


11. Family isn't just people who share your blood. (This one is too true not to also add, Maggie.)


12. Recognize that weakness is not wrong. It directs the attention off of self and onto Jesus.


13. It's okay to disagree sometimes with your parents as you grow up.


14. Be intentional with your words.


15. Keep in mind that everyone you meet is someone Jesus loves and died for.


16. Don't underestimate the value and necessity of true rest.


17. Generosity has a way of realigning misplaced priorities.


18. Getting up earlier to gain an unhurried morning is worth it every time.


19. Sometimes you can only take small steps forward, but it's okay: you're moving.


20. Spend more time outside; it's good for your soul.


21. I still haven't found a taste for hot tea.


22. God is good no matter what, faithful in every detail.

Today turned out to be the most wonderful birthday of all. So many reasons to rejoice, so many reasons to praise, so much to be thankful for.

this week, in four years.

I all too often forget how humbling, enlightening, funny, special, and even a little bittersweet it is to read old blog posts. This week, in the past four years, have held a lot of life in them. 

In 2010...

May 20th was the day I signed my national letter of intent to run competitive track and field for Georgia Southern University. I remember the day so clearly, so many people who loved and supported me came to witness it.

"It was one of the coolest things I'd ever experienced. Having seen countless seniors "sign" before, some I knew well, some I didn't know; and then I was the one doing it! It was all a surreal blur,, I'm so thankful God has blessed me how He has so that I can glorify and honor His name. It was humbling to see everyone who is special in my life there to witness and support both of us as we took this huge step!"

Days later I would graduate from high school, turn 18, and start a summer of preparing to venture into the world of collegiate athletics and art classes.



 

In 2011...

May 19th I recieved doctor's clearance, after my first surgery in February of that year, to start jogging.

"Of course, since my season doesn't start for another almost four months, I have to take things slow and be cautious.. which is understandable. God-willing this will be my last serious injury, and I'm not taking a chance on having a setback! So, hallelujah thank you Jesus, I can jog! Progress, progress, progress."

That summer was one I resolved to not stress, to trust and enjoy God, to deepen my relationship with Him. Feeling like I was in a rut, I often prayed for fresh perspective, new energy. That Father's Day it was just me and Dad, my sister and mom had adventured to Jamaica on a mission trip. My daily running grew in its mileage and I was finding new strides every week.

In 2012... 

May 17th I found out I had been accepted into Georgia Southern's Graphic Design program!

"It's a competitive program and God has shown his grace. I worked so hard this past semester on getting my portfolio ready, and He showed His favor. All the glory goes to Him, and I am so excited to have it behind me, with the prospect of new design classes in the Fall! I keep telling myself, You are supposed to do this, and do it for God's glory, and I'll keep on until He tells me not too!"

May 4th was the day of my third surgery (the second one having happened in December 2011).  After that surgery I made a lot of resolutions, including a Facebook fast and a commitment to a vegetarian diet for the summer. This week, two years ago, I was walking around in the boot and learning the art of ceramics.



That next week I wrote a post about singleness being a gift.

"In those months following my first 'serious' relationship's breakup, I was called to be content in singlehood, but I've learned through certain instances that I don't have to necessarily be content forever. God created me with a desire to love a man, the man He has designed me for. And that it is okay to desire that, but to remember that it should never take a higher place in my life than God and my faith holds.

So. I'm in a season of life where I'm back to praying about that man God has for me, probably everyday. Who he is, where he is, who his friends are, what he likes to do on Saturday mornings, how he loves Jesus. Then I pray for my own heart: patience and faith. God's timing is perfect, and I believe that with my whole heart, but sometimes a girl needs to be encouraged... and a little inspired."

To my surprise, later that summer I would take a step of faith and confront my future-boyfriend-but-then-only-friend about his potential feelings for me, and mine for him.

What I've Learned... from my dad

Some of the things on this list will always be the same. My dad continues to provide for me, to love me whole when I feel broken, to infuse me with hope and strength when I need it, and wisdom when I ask for it. Some lessons with shift as our relationship changes to adapt to my growing up. All I can say is that my dad is a gift from the Lord, one I will always be thankful for.

• A relationship with Jesus is the most important thing you can have.


• You can't please everyone, all the time.


• Make time for your family, for your wife. Work will always be there.


• Leave no doubt for your children that there is nothing they could do to disappoint you.


• Listen to people when they share their problems, but don't let it affect your own soul.


• Teach your children the simple things -- how to fish, shoot a basketball, ride a bike, and swim in the deep end -- and then enjoy it with them.


• Eat slower and sit up straight.


• Give from your heart; time, energy, love, without expecting anything in return.


• Learn what it means to be selfless; it's a way of revealing Christ to people.


• Free your daughter to go have fun when you know she's stressed out.


• Don't answer the phone at dinnertime.


• Sometimes the wise decision involves thinking of your own mental, emotional, physical health.


• Learn what it means to be a safe person in someone's life, someone trustworthy.


• Give grace to receive grace.

Current Read: Rhinestone Jesus

Saying yes to God when sparkly, safe faith is no longer enough

"Making Jesus enough isn't about good works or being good enough. It's about peeling back all the layers, the blessings, the stuff in our hearts, and discovering our desperate need for Him. When we remove the extras, we find we are not enough. And we see that He is. When you make Jesus enough, He becomes all you need." I discovered this title from a blog post by Ann Voskamp, and was intrigued by the words Ann said in reference to its topic and its author. To summarize, it is the story of a girl turned woman, a wife turned mother, who found herself in a place of wanting more of Jesus, more out of life. She was asked to visit and write about what she saw on a trip to the slums of Africa, and from then on she was changed. While there they visited a boy named Vincent, and the author notes how peaceful he seemed, so she asked, "Why are you so happy? Why aren't you afraid?" To which he responded,

"Because I have Jesus."

She then writes about how she returned home with this battle raging in her soul, how when she returned it was like an invisible veil had been lifted from her eyes.

"When I honestly looked into my heart, I knew I equated Jesus with comfort and blessings. Vincent had nothing except a leaky roof over his head, and yet he was content. I envied him. In a few days I would return to a lifestyle with every convenience and only want more. I added Jesus like salt and pepper to a tasteless dish. He wasn't the main course for me, just an extra on the side."

After being home for a couple weeks, the stirring in her soul kept growing, a God-sized dream and call building, and she and her family embarked on an adventure to establish a home/ministry in Kenya for young pregnant girls. She quotes Holley Gerth,

"Why are God-sized dreams so compelling? Because we powerfully experience God's presence in our lives through them. It's not about destination. It's not what we will get if we complete the dream. It's about a relationship... the pursuit of any God-sized dream is ultimately the pursuit of the One who placed it within you. It's like a homing beacon for your heart."

As Kristen (the author) continues to tell her story, I was inspired. She spoke of hard things that happened in her marriage, of the difficulty in adjusting to American life after seeing such heartbreaking realities across the world, her fight for balance in her family's daily life, raising her kids in a way that reflects Jesus and compassion for people; and throughout it all, her own strengthening of faith when things were wearisome, when goals seemed impossible, and when circumstances called for so much doubt. I admit that as I was reading, sometimes I felt a little overwhelmed by all she was doing, because I haven't experienced anything like that, done anything like what they did, and then I read this...

"God has a unique purpose for you. Your yes won't look like anyone else's yes; it will be completely one-of-a-kind, just like you. Who are you supposed to look like in your calling here on earth and in the way you follow Christ? You're supposed to look like the version of you that loves Jesus with everything in you."

Reading that, I was filled with a confidence that whatever God has in mind for me to do during this life, if I'm loving Him with everything in me, it will come to pass. Maybe a small fear had been growing in me that I would miss it, or that I wouldn't have the eyes to see something that big, that God-sized, but just like she said, my 'yes' will be different than anyone else's, so.. I'll live mercy and love Jesus and see what happens. I'll love Jesus with my whole heart and if that whole heart prompts me to do something, I'll do it in faith!

Reading this book, where I am in life, didn't prompt me to do something radical or drop everything and move to a third world country (Although I confess sometimes my heart aches to do just that). It did however, challenge my perspective. Kristen quoted Elizabeth Dreyer, "In a profound way, our intentionality is a key ingredient determining whether we notice God everywhere or only in church or only in suffering, or nowhere. It all depends on how we choose to fashion our world." When we open our eyes to what we have and how others live, it affects the choices we make. I am challenged to be more intentional with my time and with my money, my communication and my relationships.To be more intentional in a way that will allow me to glimpse God in even the mundane.

She also prompted readers to find their one thing.

"Finding and pursuing your one passion changes your life and ignites a godly desire to support others in their divine pursuits. When you get involved in someone else's God-sized dream, you are a part of his or her story."

It's easy to read books like this and feel burdened by a weight of condemnation or anxiety over not doing enough (whatever enough is). I think everyone is called to do something, just not everything. I think it will be both freeing and life-changing, to focus on my one thing and do it well to His glory. Ann Voskamp said, "You were made for the place where your real passion meets compassion, because there lies your real purpose."

Coming off of graduation, I don't think I know what my one thing is yet. But that's okay.

When I do discover my God-sized dream, I'll enjoy the journey of digging deep into His Presence, because the beautiful reality is that I'll never walk alone. 

Un-Disciplined

"My personal life may be crowded with small, petty happenings, altogether insignificant, but if I obey Jesus Christ in the seemingly random circumstances of life, they become pinholes through which I see the face of God. Then, when I stand face to face with God, I will discover that through my obedience thousands were blessed. When God’s redemption brings a human soul to the point of obedience, it always produces. If I obey Jesus Christ, the redemption of God will flow through me to the lives of others, because behind the deed of obedience is the reality of Almighty God." Oswald Chambers

I feel as though I have become undisciplined in regards to my spiritual life. Completion of my graphic design senior portfolio and then graduation left me spent. The good kind, the kind that makes you smile amidst your weariness. But weary nonetheless. On the verge of burned out, and in the middle of a lack of intimacy with Jesus. Tomorrow will mark a week since I graduated, and while I have loved the chance to spend hours lettering or reading a book for pure pleasure -- just to sit still and be stressed -- I feel detached.

As hard as it is for me to admit, while I am still active in prayer and reading the Bible, the intimate relationship I was designed for with Jesus is hardly present. Sustained by days of stress and busyness, comparison and worry, selfishness and anxiety throughout my final semester.. this numbness to the presence of God has snowballed.

I feel mentally and emotionally spent. And my soul is longing for it. The hindrance? I believe it's a lack of discipline. There's rest, and then there's true rest. My rest lately has been Netflix or eating out with friends. True rest is making space for things that recharge my heart, energize my spirit, inspire my soul. True rest is unplugging. But it's hard, it calls for a hard look at priorities.

I am both convicted and challenged by how much I browse but don't digest. Best example: media. Social networking to Netflix to anything requires no effort whatsoever. Hear me, I am by no means calling those elements bad; by no means. But personally, right now, they aren't serving a beneficial, helpful, or lasting purpose for me. It steals my time and my energy. Most of all, I feel one of its most prominent consequences is that it helps me develop a habit of impatience when I'm reading or learning something.

In the study and meditation of God's Word, or in prayer, patience is key. These things are disciplines, and means of glimpsing the Lover of my Soul. 

For the past few weeks, I have gotten comfortable in a lack of discipline, and my soul can feel it. It longs for the intimacy it knows is found when focused on the Lord. Right now I'm not, and that hurts my heart, but I have been challenged lately by His Spirit in me, to do something about it. In Richard Foster's book Celebration of Discipline, he writes,

"The most difficult problem is not finding time but convincing myself that this is important enough to set aside the time. Disciplines are not the answer; they only lead us to the Answer. We must clearly understand this limitation of the Disciplines if we are to avoid bondage."

God is worth.... everything. He's worth all I have - every minute of my time, all the affection my heart can give, and every bit of energy in my body. He calls me to live in this world, on this Earth, and there are so many things, even blessings from Him, that vie for my attention, and rightfully so. But, He is still worth everything I in my hummanness have to give. To me, this means that I live my life out of that heart.

A heart that treasures time spent in prayer with Him, that finds a home in His Word,  that sees glimpses of Him in the circumstances and relationships around me.

I don't want to put my face in my Bible and just read words. I don't want to pray without connecting, or pray without listening.

I need to slow down, to find the freedom is simplicity, the intimacy with Jesus that overwhelms me and consumes me... when I uproot idols, and take a step back from things, that distract me from focusing on Him. 

I don't say to make anyone feel guilty for whatever choices they make in their daily life! Please, your life is your life, enjoy it, enjoy God, soak it all up, that's what God intended. I only open this up because of where I am, and where I am is a place of missing God. 

Some changes to my daily life are coming, whether they last two weeks or the entire summer, they are coming.

And I faithfully trust and expect God to fill every crack, nook, and space in my being. Because it's the desire of His heart. He longs for me and my heart's direction toward Him far more than I ever could fathom.

It may seem daunting to some.. radical, even, to others, the attitude of my words... but my posture is not one of a monk or nun (although I have absolutely nothing against them!). This is me wanting more of God.

He is like a flood, and I want to make more space for Him. 

“And so I urge you to still every motion that is not rooted in the Kingdom. Become quiet, hushed, motionless until you are finally centered. Strip away all excess baggage and nonessential trappings until you have come into the stark reality of the Kingdom of God. Let go of all distractions until you are driven into the Core. Allow God to reshuffle your priorities and eliminate unnecessary froth. Mother Teresa of Calcutta said, 'Pray for me that I not loosen my grip on the hands of Jesus even under the guise of ministering to the poor.' That is our first task: to grip the hands of Jesus with such tenacity that we are obliged to follow his lead, to seek first his Kingdom.” Richard Foster

Change is Heavy Sometimes

The statement is not surprising to anyone. It's not something people scoff at, it's not a topic people tease about nonchalantly. Change, in some form or fashion, has affected everyone on the planet. (And you can't tell me that amidst all that change there isn't some kind of uncomfortable or difficult or even painful aspects)

I'm in a whopping state of change right now.

This change is not difficult because I want to stay but am being forced to go. It's not an "I want to stay in high school and not go to college," or even a "I want to stay in college, I wish I hadn't graduated."

I live life out of my heart, and these past few years have done nothing but seep in and take up lots of room. And rightly so. 

The change happening is difficult because I have to let go of a handful of things that have been some of the coolest experiences of my life thus far.

A really cool job-relationship turned awesome friendship. I have found another family here in Statesboro, and while I know I will probably be friends with them for life, I won't be around them every day. While the relationships will stay in tact, things will change. It won't be an easy adjustment for me. Because both the husband and the wife of this family have become people in my life I truly treasure, gifts from the Lord. God has used them both in their own ways to help me become the person I am today. The graphic designer I am today, the woman I am today.

I'm transitioning from a common, routine, natural schedule to a completely new one. I've been in school for 14+ years, including summers and random national holidays. Now I'm embarking on the adventure of a 9-5 job, with the perk of not having history homework to do or a paper to write on Saturday mornings. I'm done with school... forever.

The reality of being able to rejoin true friends I've made from all over the state after holidays because we're both coming "back" to the same place won't be the case. This change brings the new reality that everyone will be scattered, relationships may fade, others will stay strong. The friends I have made this past year, my senior year, are ones I prayed for since I started college. The kind who love Jesus, who want to help you love Jesus better, who spontaneously call for dinner dates, who consistently bring you large Sonic sweet teas to work. The kind who you can sit around a pizza and talk for hours about whatever comes to mind. The kind you worship God on a Sunday morning with. The kind you cry in front of, the kind that challenges you. It makes my heart hurt a little bit knowing I won't see them so often.

This change is tough for me because I am passionate about the work I am still doing here. Working at/with/for (however you want to put it) a church that has been a part of my life for the past 2 years. I don't know what it looks like to put that down, to disconnect. I'm never going to disconnect entirely, I'll still hear about things, and visit occasionally, because its people are people I love.. but it won't be the same. Reality is that I have to put this job down so I can pick up the next one. This is difficult for me to do, I'm not entirely sure how, and the only thing really keeping me afloat is what I wrote in my last post. The Spirit of God being my constant companion.

"Sometimes the way you get to the places that matter is to slow down." (Ann Voskamp) This change is difficult because it's challenging me to realize that this time, while it has been inexpressibly great and beneficial for me, is also a season. Life is always happening, days are continually passing. I will exit from this season of my life a completely different woman than when I entered it, and I think that rocks. I thank God for it. But slowing down enough to let it close? To feel my way through in-between waters?  To let change do its thing? That's rich, and healthy, and even a little exciting, but heavy on my soul.  

It's even a little scary, which is to be expected I guess. It's also exciting. With it comes new freedom, fresh experiences, new opportunities. I'm excited to take all I've learned, how I've grown, and the circumstances that have made me who I am, into my next step.. into the rest of life. BUT I'm clinging to Jesus as I do it... the only way I think I'll walk through it well, making the most of these days.

A Constant Companion

Hallelujah that God understood and knew (obviously) that I would have a natural need for companionship.

In John 14, Jesus wanted the disciples to know He was not going to leave them alone. He talked to them about who the Holy Spirit was.

I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever... You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. In that day you will know that I am in my Father, and you in me, and I in you. John 14:16-20

"Holy Spirit, another Helper, just like Me."

A Helper, one who walks alongside, one who assists us, one who is a constant companion. A person of the Trinity.

The Holy Spirit is the One who helps and enables me to do what God would have me to do, how He desires for me to live. He is the energy and mind of God, helping me understand God's Word, helping me live, keeping me from sin, giving me faith. He is a vital part of my life.

The Father is in Heaven, Jesus is at His right hand, the Spirit is down here listening.

I am the most like Jesus when I am totally surrendered to the Holy Spirit. God knew that I would never make it without His Spirit inside me. A Divine indwelling by a person of the Godhead, what a gift. It is freeing and comforting to know that I am never alone, that I have God's Spirit energizing me, leading and guiding, strengthening and helping.

The Holy Spirit enables me to become who God wants me to be, and I am never alone.

"Blessed be the Lord, my rock, who trains my hand for battle; he is my steadfast love and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield and he in whom I take refuge..." Psalm 144:1-2

He is my steadfast love. My ally. A constant Presence.

A beautiful reality.



photo taken by me

What I've Learned... from my college experience

I did this kind of series a couple of years ago, but I want to do another round because I think it highlights well the value of relationships and happenings in a life. What I learn from those around me is what I will always carry with me; what I learn from those around me becomes building blocks of my personality, my character, my choices.

What I've Learned... from four years of college at Georgia Southern University:

• Don't be afraid to be the first one to say 'hello' in a room of strangers. People want to make friends, they just don't want to make the first move.


• Learn to laugh at yourself, give yourself some daily grace.


• Do your best to get enough sleep at night. I know the art of all-nighters, I enjoyed many of them, but sleep is vital to people enjoying your company.


• It helps deepen relationships to consistently be in your college town on weekends.


• Some solitude is nice, and necessary at times, but don't stay in your room with the door shut. Make the most of living with friends.


• Recognize the trap of comparison and shut it down. Everyone is different, and you are not expected to be or act or live like everyone else. Be an individual, and love it.


• Be okay with saying "no," it makes your "yes" more significant.


• It's refreshing to be spontaneous sometimes.


• Be like Jesus, not like His followers.


• Be patient; often it is time and waiting that provides peace and clarity.


• Never be afraid to ask questions; knowledge gives you confidence.


• If you have to get a lot done and need to focus, don't turn on the television.

Obviously, this is not all I learned.... only what came to me during the duration of this post-writing.

now a georgia southern alumni

Yesterday was such a cool day. I enjoyed every minute of it. Sitting in Paulson Stadium with my friends, occasionally glancing up to all the wonderful people who came to support me!

I tried my best to soak in every detail, from the joy of sitting beside my roommate to the exciting nerves that I stirred when I walked up to accept my diploma. It is truly something to marvel in, a cool experience, something to be proud of, and a reality to praise and thank the Lord for.

While I understood what yesterday meant when I was experiencing it, I think it will continue to sink in, so I'm curious at the wide spectrum of emotions I will feel throughout these summer days.

I did it!!!

MAY

MAY.  When Spring starts turning to Summer.  When dinners with friends move from the kitchen table to the patio.  When conversations occur during walks in the sunshine.  May might possibly be my favorite month, only partially because it's my birthday month.  May has always been an exciting and happy month. The ending of another school year, family vacations being had, my birthday celebrated, the start of summer vacation. 

This month will be a bit bittersweet as so many changes take place at once. Next weekend I will graduate from college, which could stand alone as a significant change. I will celebrate my 22nd birthday, and begin what I believe will be a super exciting summer. I'll witness friends get married, catch up with good people in my small town. I'll move from this college town, transition from the life I've experienced here. I'll travel with my man and his family, and later move back to my hometown to start my new job. 

This month I'm praying for a renewed spirit. The weeks leading up to this particular May have been tiresome, stressful, busy, and overflowing with tasks to be completed. I'm praying that I will listen to the Lord, to what He has already spoken and what He will say.  I know that when I open my eyes and ears, Jesus is there. Gracious and good, faithful and life-giving. 

I'm excited to see this month.  And with it will come a sweet amount of pressing into the Lord.

You make known to me the path of life; in Your presence there is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11

Photo + lettering done by me