Christianity is an Explosion

Christianity isn’t something you add. It’s an explosion that changes everything you had. Timothy Keller

I really like this combination of words. I have been a Christian for a good couple of years, and have noticed that this seems to be an underlying fight of almost every Christian: fighting the lukewarm. In Revelation 3 you find God's opinion of those who are and remain lukewarm,

The Amen, the faithful and true Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God, says this: ‘I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot; I wish that you were cold or hot. ‘So because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of My mouth.

First, I'd like to say how much I like that this version of the Bible (NAS) refers to God as "The Amen;" it just rings triumph and victory and sovereignty in my heart. Anyways...  intense. And in a world full of distractions that make every effort to gain your attention and your time and your energy?  Fighting lukewarmness can feel like it never ends. And it's something believers want to be aware of! At least I do. Admittedly, I've had seasons of my life where it took weeks to truly realize where my heart's affections were residing.

Tying this to what Tim Keller remarked, when lovers of Jesus have found themselves living a lukewarm faith it can often be because Christianity has been reduced to another task on a to-do list. Union with Jesus, connecting with His Spirit, meditating on His Word, abiding in His love... they are no longer life-giving things. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:3) Jesus is life. Jesus is my life. And I hope and desire that He continually remains an explosion in my life. One that continually transforms me in Christlikeness, and that draws me closer to God the Father.

Snow + Ice of 2014

Classes are cancelled, and after a rainy and cold night, ice is on the ground! I'm calling it ice and not snow because it's hard and freezing, not light and white.  And regardless of whatever is on the ground, why not dress the part? Hence my photo above, of me rocking my new boots. Where's the fun in not preparing? It's not like I get to dress like this often, South Georgia doesn't get a lot of this kind of weather.

My city is not likely to get any major snow, unlike my hometown. The picture below is one my mom sent me just this morning. Jealous.

Either way, it's an abnormality in what would normally be a mundane week, so that's exciting. Now to decide how best to spend it...

Tonight

Tonight I am pensive, full of love and gratitude.

I'm thankful for a church with people that have become like family.

I'm thankful for a man who loves me and my multi-faceted heart.

I'm thankful for the chance to reconnect with old-but-good friends.

I'm thankful for refreshing Sundays.

I'm thankful for the $5 movie bins at Wal-Mart.

I'm thankful to God -- for His Sovereignty, and His faithfulness in my life in spite of how I sometimes act or think.

Faith That Can Grow

Tonight I'm in Genesis, where the Lord tested Abraham's faith. The story is one seemingly well-known but tonight it took on a different color.

Genesis 22, God came before Abraham and makes a somewhat confusing request: to offer Isaac as a sacrifice. In verses 9-10 we find Isaac lying on a stack of wood and his father reaching for a knife. Abraham had been trusting God to provide a sacrifice, yet from Abraham's perspective, time has expired and he sees no substitute. But just in time, in verses 11-14, an angel stops Abraham from killing his son by showing him a ram caught in a nearby thicket. Abraham offers the ram as the substitute for his son and calls this mountain in the land of Moriah "The Lord Will Provide."

Studying tonight, I find a couple of new truths:

1. A person's faith in God can grow. So if you find yourself with little faith in what God tells you, there is hope. Your faith can grow to the limit of God's faithfulness. 

2. You grow your faith when you trust God to do what He said He would do. Like exercising a muscle -- the more you use it, the stronger it becomes.

3. Sometimes God waits a long time (from my perspective) to do what He said He would do. A lesson in patience.

That first one is one I find particularly cling-worthy. Too often when I find my faith to be weak, I find myself immensely discouraged. That truth, though, sparks a challenge to me in those moments of what I perceive to be weak faith. But my faith can grow the limit of God's faithfulness, and the way I grow my faith is when I trust God to do what He said He would do. And something to remember is that what He said He would do, may not be something specific. What He said He would do can be found in the vast number of promises found all over pages of the Bible.

So I resolve, whenever my faith is weak, to go back to all those promises about His solid-rock faithfulness, and strengthen it.

Seeing Goodness

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Psalm 27:13

This morning was the first one in awhile that I had nothing to do at church but just be there. I'm usually running out like a chicken with my head cut off, or running the computer for song lyrics, or changing the house lights, etc. I really like to serve that way, to be a part of making Sunday morning run smoothly. And I'll admit this morning felt oddly different, because I had the sense that "I know there's something I should be doing right now, some responsibility," but there was none. It was really nice.

Moving on, as I sat in the service, worshipping with all my focus on the Lord, and then listening to B preach (with having to focus on the timing on when to put a verse up on the projector), an overwhelming gratitude came over me. Church leadership is far from immune from the snares of the natural self -- pride, selfishness, drama, etc -- and sometimes maybe there is seemingly some unnecessary fanfare, but the heart of the leadership at my church is genuine. They sincerely desire to know God, to live and believe the promises of the Bible, to love and serve people, and to be more like Jesus every day. After seeing so many churches struggle through pettiness and try and weed through human pride, I can wholeheartedly see how blessed I am to be a part of this church.

Like the author of Psalm 27 says, I am seeing the goodness of God in the land of the living. I see God moving in hearts, keeping men and women in a humble posture, continually refreshing and fueling the desire to help people go from death to life in Christ.

Hallelujah, Jesus, thank you for this experience.

The thing about beauty.... for me.

I am currently studying the book of Esther, with a group of women I have come to treasure, and this week's pull-out for me is something about beauty. Like almost every other female on this planet, I too have found myself seemingly stuck in a battle over outward appearance. And you can say some circumstances that have danced through my life in the last few years have made winning that battle more difficult. Discouraging, but far from impossible. Hallelujah for the grace of God. After wrestling with God continually about not wanting physical appearance to become an idol in my life -- not that I've reached the end or will never deal with comparison again (I'm human) -- I feel as though I have finally reached a true resolution. A resolve that carries me through almost every day. The place God would have me stay and confidently stand.

"Let beautiful young virgins be sought out for the king...  Let them be placed under the care of Hegai, the king's eunuch, who is in charge of the women; and let beauty treatments be given to them." Esther 2:2-3

This is a study compiled and given by Beth Moore, and she makes an intriguing comment: "In Persia, and in culture today, beauty was something you did, something you do, not something you are; that's why you feel like it's never enough." Going along with the study, she then states,

"It's tough being a woman in a world where beauty is a treatment."

This struck me, because  she's right. Our culture has conditioned the achievement of beauty to be an act of changing something about yourself: styling your hair a particular way, working out for a slim figure, wearing makeup that enhances or hides, etc. Don't get me wrong, I like my hair to work a particular way, I enjoy exercise, and (while I'm not as intense about it) I do like wearing makeup.  But even more than those things, there is something deeper I want to embrace. I long to make beauty something I am, something I embody and express, not a reason to physically alter myself. I want beauty to be in my encounters with people, in my decisions, in how I approach life. I think this is the kind of beauty that lasts. This beauty is sincere. This beauty breathes hope, joy, and life.

This is why I would want to be thought of as beautiful: because of who I am, heart mind and soul -- in Christ. Now, don't think I'm a crazy extremist. I am human, after all, and desire to be thought of as beautiful by those that truly love me, but I don't want even those people (those wonderful people), or this culture, to be the dictator of how I perceive and define myself... or how I perceive and define others!

Colossians 2:10 says that in Christ I have been made complete. Glory, glory. Just like this, how my hair looks at this moment, what kind of clothes I wear right now, etc -- I am complete. The people in my life who think I am beautiful are gifts of joy God grants. :)

The second thing I have realized recently, and this came in a comment made by a friend of mine (a mom of three young kids to be exact). She said, in a matter of words: The natural way of life, reality, is that we age. I don't understand why women want to avoid this at all costs. I'm okay with aging, that is how life goes. Of course I take care of myself now, to be healthy, but life is meant to be lived. That living also means aging." This mindset was so lovely to me, and I admired it in her. She has a great point though. It's pointless to try and stop aging... it does happen. So age well, don't hate it when it happens, it's representative that you have lived. Make it beautiful! That's also what she was getting at. There is beauty in getting older: you experience more life, usually you gain more family, you grow closer to the heart of Jesus, and you develop a wisdom that can be poured into younger hearts. I think this is wonderful. I don't want to be afraid of aging, for fear that I won't be beautiful anymore. Reality is: we will age. So then I must ask: how do I want to serve and honor Jesus? How do I want to love and serve people? With a soul filled to the brim with Jesus. And the way my soul becomes full of Jesus is by choosing to love and make him Lord of my every day.

I am my beloved's, and his desire is for me. Song of Solomon 7:10

And let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us.... Psalm 90:17

Unhurried Saturdays

“In today’s rush we all think too much - seek too much - want too much - and forget about the joy of just being.” Eckhart Tolle

A simple pleasure in my life these days is unhurried Saturdays. I find them truly wonderful. Last night I set no alarm, and rested well. I spent the morning immersed in the Bible, telling myself after lunch I'd accomplish some schoolwork. So there I sat, back against the wall, my Bible, journal, some books, colored crayons for marking, pens for writing scattered all around me... reading and absorbing. Frankly, in my life, unhurried Saturdays are a manifestation of the favor of God.

Just being, not pushed and prodded by a long list of tasks and expectations, is a marvelous thing. Thank you, Jesus.

Our New Staff Member

Want some entertainment in a work day? Have a puppy in the office. I have to say it's doing wonders for my middle-of-the-week kind of day.

Outrageously, Irrationally, Improbably

Outrageously kind, irrationally warm, improbably generous.

Sound pretty great, don't they? Words can be so telling, the beauty is in their descriptive nature. How true is this statement though? So often I find myself wrapped up in myself, in the laundry list of things that need to get done, or the stress of the hour, but.... Kind, warm, generous. Life is too short to not make the effort to be these things more often! 

I feel a little desperate for more than just surviving my days.  And I think a way to do that is to strive for more of these. Letting myself be filled with the love of Jesus, truly filled, to the point it is slowly overflowing into even the smallest of interactions I have with those He also loves and is pursuing. To count all the ways that He loves me, and live!

Live... and choose some days to wake up and be outrageously kind, irrationally warm, and improbably generous.

To Know and Be Known

A good friend of mine, one whose heart is set toward God and honest with people, wrote this: "Words fill me up. I need to hear you say it. My heart floats when I hear the detailed reason behind the decision." She was referring to an interaction she had with her husband, and can be found here. 

You could definitely call me a words person.  I'm in the field of graphic design, which can sometimes be better referred to as the art of communicating clearly and effectively. That being said, it is a natural bent of mine...  desiring to understand and be understood, and to express myself.  I also think that words are how I love others. Affirming them, encouraging them, speaking truth to them. I sincerely enjoy telling people how great I think they are. 

On the flip side of that, words fill me up. Not in a way that you would normally think of though. It's not that I want to be complimented every time I drab up, or verbally patted on the back every time I do something useful... my desire for words is rooted deep in the reality that I long to know and be known. When it comes to J, it always delights my heart when he intentionally observes things about me or our relationship and then shares them with me. This gives me a chance to see, and know, the depth behind his "I love you."  And I will be honest and say it has a way of bringing comfort on a day when I'm missing him, or discouraged. It also has a way of rooting more confidence about his heart for me. And when he inquires about something I share, or a story I've told, or just how I'm feeling (honestly feeling)...  it makes me feel known.

When it comes to work, I like to be 100% clear about what my boss asks me to do, what his expectations are for a particular project. This gives me a direction to go in, and confidence in how to go about it. Thankfully, I work in an environment where I have complete freedom to share what's going on in my head or my heart. A true blessing.

In friendships, I'm the girl who will communicate what is on her heart or in her head, relatively freely (with tact, I promise). But those women who are true friends of mine? They know to listen and love me through the process, no matter what ridiculousness comes out of my mouth, because they know I'll eventually land where God would have me land. That makes me feel known. A secure place to go when I want to externally process, a place of no judgement, a freedom place where I can take my time in figuring things out. True friends are rare gifts. Hallelujah for the ones in my life. 

Words of the Bible. I confess I am ever hungry for Scripture, more than I think I have ever been. The pages are all marked up, where I've underlined and circled and written prayers in the margins. (Don't get me wrong, the underlining and circling don't mean much of anything if I didn't truly long to know God by way of His words.) In the pages of the Bible, I am continually reminded about how I am known, even how Abba unceasingly desires to know me. But the Bible is also how I come to discover and cherish the deep depths and many facets of the Trinity. It is something tangible I can hold, read, and immerse myself in. By it I know, and am known.  I know who I am, and I know whose I am. The everyday hope of my life.

Some reflecting for today.

"If my life is broken..."

This word.... makes me ponder. I think there is a lot of truth in it. It takes me back to what Jesus says in Matthew about life,

"For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." // 6:25

And then in the Psalms, about brokenness,

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise." // 51:17

I absolutely understand the condition to sometimes want to hide brokenness. I can count on more than one hand the amount of times I have wanted to build a wall in front of my brokenness, feeling insecure about my weakness, wanting to never give anyone a glimpse of something in me cracking.

But not God. Never God.

God sees me, and he sees you. Down to the deepest, most beautiful, most dry, most vulnerable, and sometimes most ugly depths of us. God the Father, God the Creator, God the Lord.... He knows us. And He loves us.

Beloved, never be afraid to bring your brokenness to Him. Your cracked places, the places you want no one on this Earth to ever be aware of.  He desires that you bring it before Him, because in His care they have the potential to become weapons of mass hope and life. To you and to those around you.

This is something I must continually remind myself, that quite possibly (and I could be wrong - because I have people in my life I can be broken in front of and them only give pure love), the surest and best place to be broken, is in God. Include Him in your heart's cry. He longs to be there. Right up against your brokenness. The minute you give Him the space and the "Yes" to any broken pieces of your life or your heart, that is the minute He begins to heal, to restore, to satisfy, to complete, and to encourage. 

It has become one of the most comforting things in all my life, the act and ability to be utterly, completely (even when it's hard) human in front of God. But He is Abba. And the second I come, the second He loves. The second He begins working it out for my best good.

This is the hope for my brokenness, whenever it may come, however often it may come, whatever kind of wave it comes in.

Photo : Page from Elisabeth Elliot's book Passion and Purity

Bowling, Canoes, & Cake

This past weekend was a fun one. J came down and we double dated with some good friends of mine here in town. Burgers, bowling, and Chick-Fil-A milkshakes.... a fantastic combination if you ask me. Lots of laughs and a new memory made.  Left me smiling.

The rest of the weekend was characterized with cold weather, canoeing, and celebrating a birthday. I'm thankful to be dating a man who loves the outdoors. I even told him that one day I wish I could live near a small body of water like this one, so that if we ever wanted to escape the noise of life's busyness, or to talk or get some fresh air, we could jump in a canoe and teamwork the afternoon away.

Our reason for adventuring to a nearby park was to celebrate this little guy's birthday, which was wonderful. Time spent over good food, a warm fire, story telling, and catching up.



I have to say, weekends like this one... weekends marked with space to breathe... they revive me more than a tall glass of water after a long run. I glean so much joy and rest from weekends like this one.

The busyness of my daily life looks like a (quite delicious) pull-apart bread, all the details and tasks crammed up against each other, many times overlapping.... leaving my poor brain spinning and then weary. Hence the wonderful gift of weekends like this one. Thank you, Jesus.

Jeans & Converses

I am the poster child for jeans and Converses. I am all about feeling comfortable and confident when I go anywhere. I am also all about being fun and unique and different. And while my default is often comfort, I have come to realize  that there is a great deal of confidence that comes with taking that extra measure to drab up.

My fearfully and wonderfully made comes out most when I feel confident. Not in a prideful or arrogant way, just in a simple "get excited about life and make choices that make you feel confident" way. Nothing wrong with that, I think.

It's exciting to plan and decide what kind of style you want to sport.

“You cannot use someone else’s fire. You can only use your own. And in order to do that, you must first be willing to believe that you have it.” — Audre Lorde

If you don't want to mimic the culture's version of "style," don't. Each human on this planet has their own fire, but many don't believe it. Enter: insecurity and self-doubt. God created you to be you. I feel inspired to believe in my own fire, my own quirks and style and personality. And believe that it is wonderful, and that it has the potential to bring a lot of good and a lot of life to the community I'm in.

I get excited about that! So, anyone who sees me  in a dress,  Chuck Taylor's, and a smile on my face, I hope they find the courage to believe in their own fire.

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Patience, Listening, & the Holy Spirit

I am an impulsive person sometimes when it comes to my tongue. Not in a negative way, as in speaking destruction and hurt, but in the this-is-on-my-heart-so-I'm-going-to-share-it way. Sometimes there is no harm in that, sometimes it is just my passionate nature, but I often find that it makes me feel as though I am spilling all over the place, emotions and all. I speak over people, I interrupt far too often, I don't give others the chance to get out all they may want to get out, or my emotions just get a little ahead of me. And in my heart of hearts that is not my desire at all, but... impulse still rears its head. There may be a better way out there to describe it, but I have yet to come across it.

I want to be more mindful of my words, and I want to give the Holy Spirit ample opportunity to lead and guide me in what I say, and in how I listen and discern what others say.  So towards the end of 2013, I started praying that God would carve a heart of patience in me, specifically when I’m speaking or LISTENING or full of emotion. And I can honestly tell you, if I didn't know full and well that something like this takes time to change, I probably would've been sitting in some condemnation on January 2nd.

I found myself, through some relatively humorous circumstances, in Psalm 139 today.

Oh Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Verses 1-5

You have searched me and known me.. you discern my thoughts from afar.

Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. 

God knows me. He knows me. He knows the depths of my heart as well as the truest intention and perception of my mind. Even before a word is even in my brain to speak, He knows it and its entirety. So it only makes sense that He would be the best possible voice to listen to in a situation where true listening or patience or being silent altogether is valuable. His Spirit lives and dwells inside of me. He loves me, and I can rest in His guidance and prompting, reminding myself of Jesus' words in John 16,

When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the thing that are to come. He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine and declare it to you. Verses 13-14

I am so thankful for the gift of the Holy Spirit. God in me. I am pleading for the Lord to make me utterly sensitivity to His Spirit. I trust that if I follow and heed His promptings of patience or silence (or confidence!), I will know what is best for that particular instance or interaction... and know that that is what God desired of me in that specific moment.

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A desire for the semester

Life is full of trouble whether in a sky-high mountain of small annoyances or an earth-splitting canyon of crisis. When we trust our lives to the unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read. With a grand ending. And not just in spite of those catastrophes. Often because of them. Don't just wait and see. Live and see. Beth Moore

As I look ahead at this semester, I see a full one. One full of learning, growth, hard work, late nights, busyness, potential stress, prayer, nights out and nights in. One full of strong memories being made. This is my last semester of college, and it's going to be a rich one. I see growth that may be uncomfortable, I see learning that will grow into wisdom, I see interactions that have the potential to be sincere relationships.

For me it will be about staying in a direction toward God, in an effort to get more of God, in whatever kind of moment or day it is. Living out my faith, working out my salvation, giving God the space to work, shining as a light,  and holding fast to His Word (Philippians 2:12-16). I live from experience to experience, so the question I now am challenged to ask myself is this: Who is Lord of this minute, of this hour, of this day?  As He writes the story that He had planted in His heart since before I was born.

Be Present

"A dying friend once told me, ‘I wish I hadn’t spent so many Mondays wishing it were Friday. I also wish I had made better use of those Fridays, for better stories on Monday.’" A Wolf’s Thoughts

My last semester of college starts next week, and I am bent and determined to soak up every bit of its goodness. How do I plan to do this? Doing my best to be present.

Be present on Monday mornings. Be present on Friday nights.

What do I reap when I am in one day and consistently wishing it was another day? Probably a feeling of being overwhelmed, even a little exhaustion. What do I reap if I take one day at a time and focus on the moments in the current day? Hopefully a light-hearted attitude and some solid time spent.

Here's to being present!

A continuous gift

My mom is so great. She loves her husband well, she loves her kids well, she even loves other kids as her own. For these reasons and many more...  she is a continuous gift from the Lord.

How she endures in her everyday tasks, leaning into the Lord for strength when she is tired, for positivity when she wants to complain. She's imperfect, sure, because she's human. But she loves Jesus and because of that she's a role model for me. It's her desire to daily try and be more like Christ that helps her be the woman she is. A wonderful wife and mother. Always so helpful, trusting Jesus without hesitation, and there whenever we need her.

I'm thankful for the establishment of family, the way God was so particular is designing how it would be. A mother and a father, two completely roles with similar goals. A mother-daughter relationship is something to be cherished, and it is something I value inexpressibly. She will always be my mom, no matter how much or how often the dynamics of our relationship change.

Thank you, Jesus, for the constant blessing that is my mom.

Scary Mercy

Mercy is risky. Often it is easier to talk about it, but mercy can be scary sometimes, and even a little unpredictable. You risk being abused and disappointed.

Mercy is lonely. Being Jesus-love to someone who, by the world's standards (backed by sinful hearts and attitudes), is not accepted or or desired is not easy. It will often leave you feeling lonely. But it is important to remember that as children of God we are never, ever alone. (Deut 13:6) 

Because of this, mercy can be scary.

Mercy is inconvenient. Mercy means taking time away from the comforts of your home to be there for a friend who really needs you. It means calling that person who opened up about a major struggle and following up with them, maybe even going to their house when they won't return your calls. It means choosing patience and positivity when you're exhausted. It means forgiving someone, showing grace, or offering encouragement. Mercy is rarely convenient. 

The ultimate display of mercy cost the Son of God his very life. It temporarily separated him from the love of the Father... mercy's cost. The gospel compels me to show mercy, and I need to keep this truth before me if I am going to live a life of mercy.

The only way to persevere is found in knowing and believing the love God has displayed and continues to display. Paul writes, "God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Rom 5:8). The testimony of the Bible tells us God did not give mercy to people who were "worth it," or even to those who actively tried to acquire it. Instead, He gave mercy to those who hated him, who didn't even want to know him. We have the ability to persist in the face of discouragement, or difficulty, or a testing moment, when the Gospel is the fuel behind our act of mercy.

There can be some hesitation in mercy, even some fear. But when you know the God of mercy, the being from which mercy most freely flows, fear can subside.

A good friend of mine made this statement recently: "It’s a miracle to uproot a piece of your identity. It’s a miracle because it’s impossible to accomplish on your own." I know that Jesus must roll his sleeves up every time I ask Him to work something new in me, to transform my heart.

Mercy.... the best I can muster, as often as I can muster. 

Great Chill of 2014 (so far)

I woke up to my phone quite enthusiastically telling me it was 7 degrees outside. Shout out to Mother Nature for a feisty cold front in my area. I personally enjoy interesting breaks in the normalcy when it comes to weather. I often enjoy when a good storm rolls in, or when it's a wonderfully breezy summer day, or --like today -- it drops abnormally low.

Cold days like this are good for sitting by the fire, warm cookies, and observing all the changes the cold has made in our environment.

This week we have the two girls of a couple in my dad's sunday school class. They are like family and even call my parents Aunt and Uncle, but we've never kept them for this long. Mind you, I am not the girl who majors in Child and Family Development, or has babysat five straight summers for every family in the area. I really enjoy kids, I promise, but I confess I had more than a short-circuited moment with the girls when we were stuck in the house all day yesterday.

It didn't help that I was trying to be productive and get some design work done, girls chattering away. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy talking and asking questions, finding out what's going on in their innocent and wondering minds, but not when I'm trying to focus. They also probably thought I was a terrible babysitter.

I did, however, realize something that I'm sure every parent who ever read this would agree with. Almost every interaction with a child is a chance to teach them something. A question about an idea, or element in nature, or even an attitude! It's all an arena for teachable moments, and they should never be overlooked.

So I prayed about my attitude and my responses in just about every breathe, and I could feel the presence of the Holy Spirit quickening my spirit when I said something a little too sharply, or when it was a good time to ask a particular question.

The Holy Spirit, and mercy... such gifts.

A wild heart

"Hearts are wild creatures, that’s why our ribs are cages."

I resonate with this quote, because many times I have made the remark that God put me in skin so I wasn't spilling all over the place.

 When did being passionate become something we tried to avoid, something to be afraid of? When did being expressive and/or vulnerable become something that makes people hesitant or timid?  It's an interesting dynamic that has developed in culture today. So much acceptance and pleasantries revolve around appearances these days, and I have to say I have fallen prey to this condition more time than I care to admit.

Something we've lost is the beauty and wonder, in passion! Emotion and passion is what makes everyone unique. Of course there is wisdom in expressing one's soul, you would never want to bare your insides to someone who didn't love you, or someone you couldn't trust. BUT with a person like that? I think one should never hold back for fear of judgement.

It's important to note I am still processing through this, thinking about where I fit in the whole puzzle.

Let me be real, I am one of those 'wild at hearts,' and I happen to like it. I'm a creative being because God is a creative being. And life is too short to be help captive by fear, worrying (usually assuming) about what someone is thinking of my heart-expressing.

Word.

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A Lesson From Narnia

"Aslan," said Lucy, "you're bigger."
"That is because you are older, little one," answered he.

"Not because you are?"

"I am not.
But every year you grow,
you will find me bigger."

- Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis

This quotes gives me reason to reflect. I reflect on my perception of God, and I guess my view on my relationship with Him, in correlation to this life I live. I think it resonates with me because I have personally experienced the fact that as I grow, God gets bigger. As my knowledge of people, the world, the Bible, myself, life grows and evolves, God gets bigger.

To clarify, I don't mean bigger as in mass or vastness. I know from study that God is majestic, omnipresent, all-mighty, and Sovereign over the entire universe. Psalm 68:8 mentions that Mt. Sinai itself was moved at the very presence of God. And 1 Chronicles 29:11, "Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and the earth; Yours is the dominion, O LORD, and You exalt Yourself as head over all."

How I perceive the above idea about finding God bigger, is this: As I grow, I learn more depths of Him, I experience more facets of His being, I recognize more of His heart, and I become more familiar with the vastness of His love and mercy and sovereignty. My growth, in spirit and in truth, in Christlikeness,  and in wisdom, allows me the beautiful chance to see and know more of my already great and deep and all-powerful God.

I think this reality is a humbling one. It's like the gift of Jesus as Living Water, a glorious never-ending well of life.

John 4:14 -- "Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”"

I will never get to a place where I feel like I know enough about God. There will never be a time when, if I am seeing and savoring the true Christ, that I will tire from desiring to know Him. I will always be thirsty, and He will never dry up.

Thank you, Jesus.

So much love

The other night my man and I went on a date, just the two of us, because it was really our last time to do so before the busy semester begins. As always, dinner and conversation was enjoyable. We came home and I botched up some mint chocolate chip cookies and we danced around the kitchen. The night ended and I could not have been happier. I am spoiled when it comes to long breaks like summer or Christmas. I bet we spent all but 5 days together during the past three weeks. Such a special and sweet time, but incredibly spoiling.

Tonight he came over because he starts class this week (while I have another week at home). I'll confess it was terribly unpleasant to let him out of arm's length. We talked about how we needed to create a plan, to get through the coming months, until we (hopefully) end up living in the same town.

It's a time of leaning hard into Jesus -- in the moments where patience, peace, comfort, and clarity are needed -- clinging to what I know to be true about John's heart for me, and gleaning all I can out of my last semester of college.

My soul will be whispering prayers with everything breath, I imagine.

Grateful for this gift, the chance to love someone and honor the Lord with that expression of love. To grow in Christlikeness and to share my heart and life with such a special person.

Connection, not perfection.

Mercy. The reality, when believed, has the potential to transform your perspective, the way you live your life -- but when it is misunderstood or complacently not embraced, can become a trap of doubt and uncertainty... tired living.

I read an article recently written by John Piper on January 1, 2002. It's a word for the beginning of the year, and I think it's a truth that my human soul what do well to meditate on at each year's start.

Piper makes the remark that "all we will get from God this year as believers in Jesus is mercy." Whatever pains or pleasures, highs or lows,  that come our way will all be mercy. This perspective, for us humans, is sometimes a hard one to hold fast too. BUT I can say that the times I have allowed the Holy Spirit to give me eyes to truly see, I can say my soul does indeed radiate gratitude.

Now, let me vent about my lack of real faith sometimes (or what I, in my humanness, think to be a lack of real faith). . I've conditioned myself to feel like my faith has to be grand, perfect, relentless natural. In Luke 17:5, the apostles pleaded with the Lord, "Increase our faith!" And the Lord said (v. 6), "If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you."

I unashamedly confess I pray this prayer often.  Piper remarks, "In other words, the issue in your Christian life and ministry is not the strength or quantity of your faith, because that is not what uproots trees. God does." God is all-powerful, the Creator of the universe; moving trees and mountains is a small thing for Him.

"The issue is not perfection for Christ, but connection to Christ."

Piper then makes a charge: Take heart, the smallest seed of faith connects with all of Christ's mercy. So really, maybe it's more about the sincerity of the heart, of the faith, with a desire to truly connect with God.

On the flip side you have obedience, but what I have meditated on recently is that both the fullest obedience and the smallest faith obtain the same thing from God: mercy. Hallelujah. 

"The point is: whatever the timing or form of God's mercy, we never rise above the status of beneficiaries of mercy. We are always utterly dependent on the undeserved."

So this year I resolve to do my best, with the strength and grace of God's Spirit inside me, to focus more on the authenticity of my faith than the measure of it.

There lies the sweetness.

"It is meditation 'of Him' that is sweet, not merely of doctrine about Him, but of Him, of Himself -- 'my meditation of Him.' Not merely of His offices, and His work, and all that concerns Him, but of His own dear Self! There lies the sweetness; and the closer we come to His blessed Person, the more truly have we approached the very center of bliss!" Charles Spurgeon

It almost pains me to think how little I truly dwell on the sweetness of God. Not of His blessings or gifts, but God Himself. The story of the prodigal son is a story often told to illustrate God's graciousness. There was a man who had two sons. After given his share of his inheritance, the younger son went off and basically wasted all his money on 'wild living' (the Bible's words, not mine). After sitting in the aftermath on his poor decisions, he finally came to his senses and decided to go back to his father's house and ask for forgiveness. He wasn't even at his house yet, but he had been seen by his father, so his father ran out to meet him. He embraced him and gave him the best he had to offer. That's grace. 

But that's not the only example of major grace given in this story. 

Enter the older brother. He responded like any normal older brother would, "I've been loyal to you for all these years, working for you and being obedient, yet you never even gave me a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends! Yet when my brother, who wasted your money on worthless things, you celebrate him with the best you have!" (My paraphrase) A little self-righteous and/or prideful, if you ask me.

Enter the grace. The father's response "My son, you are always with me, and everything I have is yours."

Both sons made choices that probably didn't deserve a great deal of grace... but they were given grace without hesitation. 

God's grace is given even more without hesitation, even than this wonderful human father of the Bible! There lies the sweetness; and the closer we come to His blessed Person, the more truly have we approached the very center of bliss! 

I'm the prime example of what Christ can do. I am a broken, passionate, tender-hearted city, being rebuilt by the Creator of our universe. 

Tis the New Year.

The year is here. 2014.

The year I graduate from college, bringing with it so many new realities.

New year. New choices, new lessons, new opportunities, new interruptions, new possibilities, new realities. Hallelujah - for a Hope through it all.

My resolution and heart-focus for this year is to learn the art of waiting, a heart of patience. I have this great sense of God teaching me how to wait. But it may not be wait by it’s normal definition. I sense a teaching of how to wait well. How to wait to speak, how to wait before I express myself, how to wait before I react or respond to a circumstance. Patience in speech, in expression, in heart and soul releasing. Patience in action, patience in preparing for the future even. God has done so much in my life this past year, so much pulling together, so much teaching and chiseling, so much pursuing me in love and grace.

I have some waiting and prayerful anticipation in front of me, choices and new experiences that are going to need the wisdom and peace and leading of the Holy Spirit. I want to walk these new days with Jesus. I have so much emotion inside me, so much growing love, so much desire and so much hope, some fear, and some uncertainty, even some doubt. I need God to help me live mercy and hope amidst these raw emotions.

All in God’s timing… His working out of particular details of my life: my relationship with John, the job I end up getting after graduation, where I end up living after graduation, my final semester! and I want to wait well. I want to give God the space to work, the opportunity to lead, even the most mundane of emotional reactions or conscious thoughts. To wait and gather and glean all that He has for me during this time. I believe God is going to use this word — wait — as a gentle reminder to assure me that He is not done. He has only begun to pull even more things together in my life (and your life), for His glory and His purposes, and for our good.

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