A Full Heart

Lived through all the love and laughter of another Happy Thanksgiving, and my heart is full.

Yesterday was colored with change and transition, reminiscing on old memories and meeting new people, and lots of smiling.

This was mine and John's first Thanksgiving as a serious couple, so we shared the Thanksgiving day with both our families. It was definitely a change for both of us, both wanting to be two places at once, but also wanting to spend it together and with the other's family as well. What I also observed was a shift in my heart in thinking of John.

I always wondered if I would ever find a man that I would okay (and happy) with missing family traditions for. I always thought it would seem foreign to go with my significant other instead of being with family, like I would feel guilty or something. What I learned yesterday was that while I held sadness in my heart at first, I found that John, the person he is and the person he has become in my life, provided a sense of comfort and home for me. Amidst what seemed like a hard thing to do, because it was different, to miss a family tradition, I was at peace being with him. I always wondered whether I would get to this place, this kind of relationship, and here I am. Filled to the brim with gratitude and love, to God for this gift, and for John. And it's only the beginning. 

I'm thankful for how welcoming his family was.

I'm thankful for how he braves my interesting family.

I'm thankful for delicious food.

I'm thankful for words and truth and grace. Without which, I would be shriveled up nothing.

I'm thankful for this life.

One Year

My man and I celebrated our one year dating anniversary. The night was very special and abundant in sweet love. We spent the evening looking back over the year, recalling funny moments and special moments. It was really great to dress up and go out to celebrate. We walked along the river after dinner, talking and laughing and sharing experiences. Then we did something that I have always found extremely special -- we prayed together. Sitting on a bench along the river, me sitting on his knee, we prayed. Thanking God for the blessing that is our relationship, for His goodness in the countless good times we have shared thus far, and asking for His continued favor and guidance in our lives.

A good groove

For the first time in over a year (if not longer) I ran four miles with no real pain in my foot. To be honest, I half think it happened by accident. I woke up, feeling good, motivated to run. So I put my music in my ears and hit the pavement. The route I chose to go was deliberate, but I think for a different reason. I knew if I went out to a larger perimeter, I would have no choice but to run all the way back, which inadvertently increased the mileage. Tricking my brain, you see. I only stopped once or twice, if I felt my foot needed a moment to breathe, since I am supposed to be easing myself back into the mileage. Gave myself a little grace. But it felt great.

"Running is play, for even if we try hard to do well at it, it is a relief from everyday cares." Jim Fixx

Many would wholeheartedly disagree with this statement. I, however, agree with it. Running serves many purposes for me. It is useful when I need to blow off steam, it is helpful when I need space to think about something, and it is especially useful (like the above quote states) when I just need a break from life's seemingly endless tugs.

When I run, I can't take my computer outside to design something. When I run, I can't carry textbooks so I can study. When I run, I usually don't take my phone, thus giving me a true break from media.

It's the most readily available escape, and I am truly thankful to God that I am finally back in a place where I can run my heart out and not be in any true pain, or not be making my injury worse. 

Glory, glory.

Dad's Birthday.

Reflecting today about the person my dad has been in my life thus far. The influence, the rock, the friend, the support, the teacher. There's a song that speaks loudly to how I feel about my dad. It's Shane and Shane's "The One You Need." Ever since they released the song, every time I listen to it I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humility, to God and to my dad. Of course he's human and not perfect, but he has never not directed me to Jesus, in the trivial things and in the monstrous things, in the good and the bad. He's always guided me to scripture, or to step back and find a new perspective in light of God's character, or inspired me in an attitude of Christ. The last 4 years for me have been rich in growth - from frustrating and hard circumstances like my foot injury, to making big decisions on my own, to learning about service and ministry with my job at Connection - that growth could've been a lot more messy and painful, and not nearly as rich, if my dad had not been apart of it. His own love for and faith in Jesus is the reason he is the way he is. So on this day I almost wobble under the weight of gratitude and humility, for my dad and for the God we both call Lord of our lives.

God's great gift

God’s great gift to you, number one, is Jesus, and number two, is time. God has given you time to work, time to serve, time to love, time to laugh, time to labor, but, like any gift, how you use it is really up to you. And, we need to see every day - this day and every day - as a gift from God. Adrian Rogers

I have come to truly resonate with this truth. This truth about how one sees the day.

I'm not talking about being Miss Perky and always saying "it's okay," and being ignorant of my real human feelings. I'm talking about choosing to see things are more than they may appear. I'm talking about in stressful times, days when you're exhausted and that oh so lovely sarcastic side comes out (for me, anyway), or moments when you just nothing but mega human... choosing to see more.

In a stressful time, I find myself drawn more to the nearness of God's presence to bring me peace. When I'm exhausted, and my attitude tends to reveal itself, I cling to what's good in the day, living grace and not condemnation. Moments when I am mega human, I choose to ask God how He is making me more into the image of His Son.

I believe that quote in its entirety. God's greatest gift is Jesus. Second, time.

I want to use my time in the best possible way. It's a short life.

So I live grace, I live thanksgiving, I live joy, and I live love.

Gratitude

"If my inner eye has God seeping up through all things, then can't I give thanks for anything? And if I can give thanks for the good things, the hard things, the absolute everything, I can enter the gates to glory. Living in His presence is fullness of joy--and seeing shows the way in. The art of deep seeing makes gratitude possible. And it is the art of gratitude that makes joy possible. Isn't joy the art of God?" Ann Voskamp

The art of deep seeing. How often do I miss chances to see God, because my mind is clouded by stressful or trying things? It may not be easy, but there is so much potential joy to be had when one chooses gratitude.

Living in His presence is fullness of joy -- and seeing shows the way in. 

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Little things I daydream about...

Our lives tend to be overwhelmed with to-do lists. We make lists upon lists of people to call, emails to write, tasks to complete, things to remember; it seems never ending. When I lay my head down at night my mind is often still racing, running through the responsibilities of the coming day. We finish one task, make a check off the list and then promptly move on to the next. Some phases of life are just going to be plain busy, there’s really no way around it.

Often times, these ceaseless to-do lists can put a damper on a good celebration. When we think of celebrations we generally tend to focus on the calendar holidays. We usually don’t have any problem stepping out of our routine for the day and celebrating times like Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. But what about a Friday afternoon spent away from any screen? That would do it for me I think, or like the trip I went on a few weeks ago, a weekend getaway to the mountains with some great people.

I continue to ask myself how I can celebrate life, even little things, amidst the great mass that is busy days.

Being a senior in college, in the major that I am, there is a great deal of value placed on the to-do list. Pressure to be more productive, more accomplished, more efficient. Busyness is encouraged and even rewarded. And I have to be honest, when I take time for rest or little celebrations I feel like I fight the reality of being conditioned to be constantly thinking about the work that still needs to be done, so much so that I have a hard time enjoying the present. Sometimes, as crazy as this may seem, I even experience feelings of guilt, the never-ending list looming over our heads.

Don't get me wrong, a great work ethic is super important, but also is celebrating who I am and the goodness around me. Celebrating life for me is getting away from the screens, and asking God for the ability to feel free of any guilt, and even for a little while, to forget all the items on my plate.

So I find myself daydreaming about the outdoors... 

Camping, hiking, exploring...

Surrounded by color and fresh air and wide open space...

I already know that as I live the rest of my life, being outside will always be a great means of rest, of enjoying being alive. This one and only wild and precious life.

That's where my mind is today.

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Love says...

"Love says: I’ve seen the ugly parts of you, and I’m staying." Matt Chandler

I'm in a relationship with someone I have to come to really love -- with majority of my passionate, frail human heart -- if not all of it. But the wonder of this whole thing? It's not solely a romantic love, or a best friend love, it's a love that is turning into something rich and lasting -- something to be treasured.

I think this kind of love is one of the most special gifts of grace that God created. It's rich in growth, learning, help, prayer, action, confidence, mercy, romance, trust, strength, forgiveness, joy, contentment, purpose.

Like Matt Chandler said, this kind of true love, love for another human being, that I believe is rooted in an intimate relationship with Jesus, sees the ugly parts in someone, and stays.

How special. How humbling.

I am nowhere near close to understanding all that this kind of love is and does, but I have a heart willing to learn, willing to be shaped and refined by Grace.... and that makes this season of life exciting.

Here come the lasts...

Today I went to my last Georgia Southern football game as a student. 

I took a picture with my roommate for the past two years and good friend, and afterward it seemed to actually dawn on me. Surprisingly, it wasn't the fact that it was a "last" that got me, it was the fact that four years have passed since I entered college.

Part of me would say the months have flown, the other part would say they haven't. I feel like the greatest teller of time for me is how much I have changed, how my life looks different now than it did four years ago.

I entered college a collegiate track and field athlete, with big dreams of going far and being light for Jesus in the world of collegiate athletics. I leave still a runner, but with no collegiate track and field accolades to my name. That's okay, don't read that as if I pity myself. It's just how things have changed.

I entered college in a dating relationship with a good friend of mine; it ended soon after my first semester but taught me a lot about myself and what a good dating relationship could and should look like. Where am I now? I'm with a man I love dearly, and who I can myself spending the rest of my life with. Hallelujah to God's grace in my life.

I entered college a timid people-pleaser. I was too consumed with making choices based on people and their reactions. I lived dwelling on another's expectation of me, instead of what I believed. I leave a far more confident woman of God, passionate about what she believes and what she wants, not fearing other people's disapproval or finding satisfaction in their approval. Praise Him.

I entered college with a not-so-fantastic relationship with my little sister. We fought a lot, and it was hard on my heart. Now we have a true relationship, growing better by the day. She's growing, maturing, and it has mercy written all over it.

I entered college not knowing if I would find a home-away-from home in a church. Where I am now? Filled with joy in gratitude that I get to work with the group of hearts that I get to do ministry with. The church is more than I could've asked for, and I thank God for it often.

There are so many more, but it would be a rather exhaustive list.

All I can say is Thank you, Jesus. 

Dreams, risk, and expecting.

Today, I watched a clip of a message given by Rick Warren about how God uses those who are willing to risk failure.

He said some things that were great reminders and a couple things that truly challenged me.

Reminder #1: Worse than failure is the fear of failure. Failure helps you learn.

"The fear of man brings a snare." Proverbs 29:25

Challenge #1: God uses the person who dreams great dreams. Let the size of your God determine the size of your dream. 

Believing God is believing that what you want to attempt or accomplish cannot be done in the power of the flesh.

Reminder #2: Faith is in a dream.

Dreaming big dreams is fully trusting in the character of God. He desires good for you, He delights in you, He loves you, He will never leave you.

He then made this statement: "God uses me because I expect him to use me. Not because of who I am, but because of who Jesus is. Not because of what I've done, but because of what Jesus did."

Challenge #2: What is God doing in your life right now? He's doing exactly what you expect Him to do, no more, no less. 

Snap.

Hearing him say those words, I was prompted to ask myself, Do I expect things of God? If I'm honest with myself, I think I do but I do it timidly.

I expect Him to love and to be faithful, because I have knowledge of the person of God, and of the work of Jesus dying on the cross.

But I think He has more for me. I think He wants me to ask boldly, because in His goodness and love, He desires to help me, to have an intimate relationship with me, to work things if they align with His heart, and to use me, to do things with His Kingdom in mind.

Boldly and confidently... willing to risk failure... dreaming big dreams.

Change.

I believe it was C.S. Lewis who said it was never to late to set another goal or to dream a new dream. I like to couple that quote with Lamentations 3:22-24,

Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion,"says my soul, "Therefore I will hope in Him!"

New mercies every time the sun comes up. God's faithfulness. My soul proclaims that Jesus is my portion, my rock and continual satisfaction, therefore I can hope in Him. This is the foundation, I believe, that gives me the courage to set new goals or dream new dreams. This also gives me the confidence to not settle on something that I want to change about myself.

For me, it's a mindset. One I know God desires to heal.

I'm thankful He doesn't just let me sit in even a frame of mind that is hindering me from knowing Him more fully. He loves me, and desires for me to live grace and live joy, not crippling fear or doubt. I'm still seeking out what this change looks like for me, but God is faithful.

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She is.

I read a story the other day that initiated some thought from me. It was written by a friend who has committed to not wearing make-up throughout the entire month of November. She said her reason for doing it was to test herself – to see if she truly believes that her personhood is more valuable than her appearance. A re-examining of her thoughts. She then made this comment: "I want to change what I believe about beauty so I can more readily see it in others." I admire her for doing this, it's a mindset that I myself have been praying for, asking the Lord to help me establish in my own soul. Scripture says "Love your neighbor as yourself." How often does that last part not register? As yourself.

Often.

I always want to be a better people-lover. Unconditional, expressive, sincere love. Like Jesus did. But like the verse says, how I love myself is how I am going to love others. Loving people well is rooted in how I see myself, which is an interesting correlation to me.

And determining how I see myself can only be found in the reality of who God is. I must fully trust and believe that God was being truthful when He saw my form and said that it was very good. When I view myself, through eyes of grace, I will see an image-bearer. A bearer of God's image. How much more wonderful is that perspective than just seeing a girl with really curly hair and green eyes!

My friend also made this remark, which I find so true and profound: "I can’t ask others to tear down their walls unless I begin the hard work of removing mine, brick by brick." I am the type of person who loves conversation. I am passionate about communicating with people, hearing their hearts and their stories. But her statement is true; I cannot expect someone to reveal their soul -- the good and the bad, the easy and the heard, the learning and the observing -- unless I do it first. 

She is more precious than rubies. She is beautiful, heart and soul, because she bears the image of God, out of which she loves and champions the people around her.