A Big Realization

Recently I've found myself faced with this question: Am I loving Jesus, or am I more focused on how I'm growing, changing, "maturing in my faith," etc?

If you're anything like me, you may look at that question and say, Are those things different? 

That's where I've been, and I think I've been there my whole life: not really distinguishing those two things -- those two ideas were relatively equal.

If I feel I've grown spiritually from last year to this year, doesn't that mean I love Jesus better? If I know more of my Bible, doesn't that mean I'm loving Jesus more? If I choose this or that, doesn't that mean I treasure Jesus more?

Perhaps.

But, again, if you're anything like me, the second part of the original question -- focus on the growing, changing, maturing -- has stealthily formed itself into a sort of pride. By comparing myself to someone else's spiritual growth as a measure of my own, I'm hardly thinking of Jesus. When I feel guilty over not knowing more of the Bible, or calling it to memory easily when needed, I'm hardly thinking of Jesus. What I make a wise choice, and give myself a pat on the back... or when I make a poor choice, and throw myself into a pit of discouragement, I'm hardly thinking of Jesus.

Wow, right? Yeah, it struck me with a powerful force.

I realized. I confessed. I apologized. I asked for forgiveness. And then I truly saw myself....

A sinner. Broken, hopeless, selfish, prideful. I make choices everyday that offend and hurt God. I don't love well every second of the day. I am not always generous. But God...

But God!

At the cross of Jesus Christ I find a sacrifice sufficient to cover all my sins, past and present and future, and a righteousness sufficient to replace all of my unrighteousness. So when I come to God, I come not in my own righteousness but in the righteousness of Christ; and I come not with my own sins, but with those sins having been forgiven by Jesus Christ. Glory.

It's easy to get caught up in the analyzation of my actions, and I realize my motive for doing this was because I was trying to make my own good. Focusing on my growth/righteousness and not the Lord in His greatness, holiness, mercy, unconditional love.

On my best, most loving, most generous, most God-honoring day, I am still a sinner. That will never change until I'm in eternity with Him. But, because of Jesus, here on this earth I can love Him just as I am. With my handicapped heart, never-going-to-be-perfect self. Hello, freedom. So I continually ask myself, am I loving Jesus in this? Because He saves me, and loves me. I believe it with all of my grateful heart. 

Praying this truth's roots grow deep.

{Inspiring word from Matt Chandler on similar subject.}

Dear Photograph

I recently discovered Dear Photograph. A super sweet photoblog in which users “take a picture of a picture from the past in the present,” resulting in little time portals that make me want to dig out my childhood photo albums immediately. If I had all the time and resources in the world I'd retrace my steps for some of my favorite photos and do this. Wouldn't you?

This Vessel Needs Rest

Fall might be my favorite season. Amidst crazed weekends centered around football, and all the festivals that seem to break out, and school getting busy, for me, it still seems like time slows in the Fall. It's wonderful.

I'm in an interesting place. One of Bible-diving, Holy Spirit-asking, wisdom-seeking, inward and upward-looking moments. Finding a balance between caring too much and caring too little. A battle of my heart's focus -- is it me? or is it God?

I'm the woman who analyzes motivations. I overthink my intention for doing something. Everything. This can be helpful, in terms of conviction and will and self control and the like... but is a stumbling block when it comes to resting, trusting, freedom, believing Grace.

J encouraged me to create my own "goals/boundaries." Take fitness and eating: I analyze every choice, usually resulting in guilt, comparison, or a pat on my own back. (Both are not okay. One is a complainer, the other is a campaigner. That's for another conversation). Instead, I can say,

I'm going to exercise 4-6 times a week. If it's three one week, "Hey, I want to try and make more time for that next week." If it's 6, "Sweet!" And with food...

I'm going to give myself three meals as freebie meals, whatever I want to eat. I guarantee Chick-fil-A breakfast will become a weekly occurrence. :) The other nights I'm going to do my best to eat more intentionally, cleaner.

Or social media. If my goal/intent is to share bits and pieces of my life with close friends I don't see often, and I know they keep up with my photos, it doesn't matter how many I post! I can freely share however much I want, and the people who are bothered by it can unfollow me. Right?

My truest intent for my activity on social media is creative expression, and story-telling.

To be sometimes inspired by lovely, God-fearing, strong women on Twitter. Expressing my passion for capturing moments on Instagram. Keeping up with across state friends on Facebook. If I ever feel like I am out of that circle, then maybe I need to ask myself some questions.

In J's words, it broadens the scope, so you don't feel like you have to analyze every single small choice, but can look at it in a different light.  It welcomes a certain kind of freedom into life. It will limit the amount of moments I find myself comparing myself to others, because I met the goal I wanted to reach, and it was/is enough. The thought-energy and focus that would otherwise be turning wheels in overanalyzation can be used in other, more life-giving areas. Hallelujah! I think it's a cool idea, and am currently brainstorming and asking the Lord for wisdom on how to implement it into my life.

"If the vessel of our soul is still being tossed by winds or storms, we should wake the Lord who has been resting with us all along, and He will swiftly calm the sea." Brother Lawrence

October, I'm back!

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty smitten about the fall season. 

The month of September was a good one. Full of busy work days and new experiences with my husband.



This weekend has been a fun one, a great beginning to October. Birthday party for a family friend Friday night, Saturday adventures in south Georgia (where the above picture was taken) and then a good friend's wedding, and a nice Sunday today.

Still praying through my activity on social media, my place, what I want it to be -- but I do miss this space to document and share and write. So I'm back until further notice, posting whenever my heart fancies. I want this to be an atmosphere of inspiration and story-telling, not one of comparison and perfectionistic expectations.

PS - I love being married. It's super fun. 

September of Simplicity

I'm now a wife.

What an amazing thing!

The wedding and honeymoon were beyond wonderful. Such exciting days and moments; God is so good, so faithful.

J and I had a handful of conversations while we were on our trip, and I wanted to write of one in particular here on heartnatured.

So many changes and adjustments in this season of life, so much growing and learning. I want to be habitually open and cultivate a heart ready and prepared for all God has for me in this new role. I want to be aware of where my affections lie, where self often rears its head. I want to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit in his leading and guiding. I want to be clay in the Potter's hands, able to be worked and formed into the woman He desires me to continually be, the best wife and friend I can be.

I want the Lord to be my ultimate satisfaction, the ulimate filler of my heart and soul -- out of which will come the ability to be a strong, good, gentle, Spirit-filled wife and friend.

Thus, a month of simplicity. Scaling back on all social media platforms (minus one thing, that will be mentioned later). Learning discipline of mind and body, thus a simplified diet. Attentiveness to the difference between good/true pleasures and false ones. Not saying these things are false pleasures, I just know myself best, and eliminating that which distracts my heart is super helpful. 

On the way home from Asheville, we listened to a sermon by Ravi Zacharias on pleasure.

"Anything that refreshes you without distracting you or destroying the final goal you have set is a legitimate pleasure."

He makes these points...

1. Pleasure for pleasure's sake will leave you empty. It has to have a greater purpose than merely just enjoyment.

2. All pleasure comes at a cost. For the true pleasure you pay the price before you enjoy it, for the false pleasure you pay the price after you enjoy it.

3. The closer you draw to good pleasure, the closer you draw to the heart of God. The closer you go to false pleasure, the farther from the heart of God you go.

True, good pleasures vs. false pleasures. Clear eyes, pure heart vs. distorted desires and reality.

My heart of hearts wants to draw closer to God continually, every day.

Simplicity. Intimacy with God. Strong relationship with my husband and family and friends.

I'm on a mission to define true, good pleasures. To love that which heals, not what hurts. Maintaining the integrity of worship by worshipping the Lord, in the mundane and the great, in the easy and the difficult. The greatest pleasure.



So this month, I may write a couple of times, but that's it.

I will however be keeping up a "visual journal," as I've dubbed it. Because of my passion for creativity and expression and capturing moments, I want to keep this activity going, because I truly enjoy it.